Michael Roberts ‘19 / Emertainment Monthly Staff TV Writer
Hello, idiot hookers!
We pick up where we left off: the green swamp monster has just killed werewolf Cecily Strong in front of Little Miss Sunshine Abigail Breslin. The scene of the crime is being investigated by a detective who thinks Chanel #5 is the number one suspect. The only question is, where on earth is Denise Hemphill (Niecy Nash)?
(Side note: how is Ryan Murphy allowed to bully Abigail Breslin to this extent? Every episode is loaded with direct attacks against her. She already lost the Oscar to Jennifer Hudson, must he put her through more torment?)
Chanel #3 saying “The closest she has ever gotten to sex is when a bookshelf fell on her” is definitely laugh-worthy. Bullying can be funny! The detective doesn’t believe any murder took place, so she peaces out very quickly. She is no Denise Hempfield.
It seems that this season, they are going with a “case of the week” approach. And this week is Colton Haynes with a neurofibromatosis type 1. Essentially, he has a lot of tumors on his skin that look like large zits. But apparently, this hospital that was just created a week ago doesn’t have the very specific, very expensive machine needed to cure him.
Apparently Chad Radwell (Glenn Powell) is back and dressing up as the Red Devil to scare Chanel Oberlin. Do you smell a Ryan Murphy love triangle that will ultimately be dragged on longer than it should and end up going nowhere? Probably!
Later, Chad Radwell and John Stamos have a prolonged homoerotic shower scene where they end up in the same shower talking about Chanel’s “box.” Their wieners touch.
Chanel Oberlin and John Stamos go on a movie date and, whether or not the twenty-eight year age gap is supposed to be as obvious as it is, John Stamos grabbing her boob was cringe-inducing. Yikes.
Little Miss Sunshine and Colton Haynes bond over being outcasts. And they hatch a plan to find the money for the machine that can cure him so he can be hot again so Little Miss Sunshine can date him. But the Chanels convince her that he won’t want her once he is hot again, so she has to go for him now. The two go on a date, and after two patrons mock Colton Hayne’s tumors, Little Miss Sunshine breaks a plate over both their heads. “I DO NOT HAVE TEETH IN MY VAGINA!” she screams.
After their date, the other Chanels surprise them both by throwing confetti and congratulating Colton Haynes on looking past Little Miss Sunshine’s bad looks and looking deeper inside her. Poor Abigail Breslin. As a gift to Colton, Chanel Oberlin reveals that she got his special machine by lying and telling Chad that it would get rid of her pube stubble.
Zayday (Keke Williams) is suspicious that Dean Munsch is behind the murder. She thinks it’s sketchy that she hired all the Chanels to work at a hospital that only cures very specific diseases. She isn’t wrong.
So Zayday and Chamberlain look up information about the Halloween massacre in the ’80s that resulted in most of the hospital staff being murdered. We learn through flashbacks that the Green Swamp Monster is very good at throwing knives. He can even murder while a Tiffany song is playing in the background. What a literal monster. Zayday and Chamberlain confront Dean Munsch about her supposed targeting of the Chanels, but we find out that Munsch is actually trying to save her own life. She thinks she is terminally ill, but doesn’t know what her disease is.
After some researching, Zayday reveals that Dean Munsch has a disease derived from cannibalism, in which she partook when her book publicist accidentally sent her to Papua, New Guinea instead of Princeton, New Jersey.
The Green Swamp Monster later attacks Munsch but she rolls up a magazine and ends up swatting away his knife. Right when she is about to unmask the monster, Taylor Lautner and Chanel #3 stroll in, distracting her, and the killer gets away. Not to bring up a pre-meditated bias against Taylor Lautner, but Rob Pattinson would have never pulled dumb shit like that.
Denise is back! Munsch enlists her after the attack, and thank god! She swears the killer is Zayday Williams, naturally. “This bitch right here is a stone cold hoe,” she says. After spending time in Quantico and watching Quantico, Denise feels at the top of her game.
In an ode to The Silence of the Lambs, Munsch, Denise, and the Chanels visit Hector in her glass-enclosed jail cell. Hector claims to know who the killer is and the history of the Halloween hospital massacre that could have started this whole thing.
It is revealed that John Stamos’s fake hand is malfunctioning by scribbling notes and grabbing boobs. Apparently his hand is the old hand of a serial killer. Interesting. Interesting.
Colton Haynes and Little Miss Sunshine are FaceTimeing when he tells her he is about to go into surgery and hangs up. The Chanels collectively realize that the doctors have already left the hospital and the surgery was actually scheduled for tomorrow morning. They race down to the operating room to the tune of “Holding Out for a Hero.” The Green Swamp Monster was behind the ruse and is seen lasering Colton Haynes to death with the machine that was meant to get rid of his tumors.
Will Hector end up helping them find the killer? Will John Stamos end up being the murderer, since he has the hand of a former serial killer? Will Denise Hempfield get the adequate screen time of that she deserves? Why is Kirstie Alley on this show?
Overall Episode Grade: B-